I took this photograph way back in April 2011 as part of a blog post here, when at the time it was just a pretty little flower hidden amongst the greenery. Nowadays though Forget-Me-Nots mean a whole lot more.
My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in late 2014 and at the time still led a wonderful life with my dad but was forgetful and starting to get unsteady on her feet. The following year my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and life would never be the same again.
Mum continued to deteriorate at a slow pace but generally life went on as normal, dad coped well and they continued to have a nice time. Once we lost my sister in June 2016 she declined at a faster pace.
People with a general diagnosis of dementia seem to have a steady decline in symptoms, literally like going down a hill, whereas it is noticeable in people with Alzheimer's that they deteriorate in steps, like walking down stairs, they continue on the flat and then suddenly one day they struggle more or lose an ability to do things that they may have been able to do the day before. Events in life can effect people with dementia greatly and losing my sister was a major event for all of us.
For me, I'd lost someone I absolutely adored and whom I'd looked up to all my life. She was and is one of the most amazing people I have ever known. I am so grateful to have had her in my life and I miss her greatly every single day. I feel so lucky that I got to spend the last few weeks of her life with my sister and to be able to hold her hand at the end.
I'm not sure that I have truly been able to grieve for my sister as we had to hit the ground running after her death to take on much bigger caring roles for my mum when dad started struggling to cope. I have moments where I am so angry that she'd left me personally but also left me and my brother to deal with things without her. I'm angry that she hadn't seen a doctor or got treatment earlier, unreasonable anger for sure but its there at times all the same, but mostly on the whole I feel an overwhelming sadness and loss, an emptiness where she once was. I find it difficult to think or talk about her and writing this nearly 5 years later is no easier than it would have been in the weeks following her death. But we go on and get through each day the best we can and some days we don't think about things and life is normal once again.
Things with mum started to get really hard in 2018, daily phone calls from dad to come over as he couldn't deal with things and we found ourselves having to be available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
My lovely, kind and caring mum, who would always say how much she loved me, no longer always knew knew who I was, would get angry at me for being in her home and tell me to get out of her house.
In 2020 mum was permanently placed into a care home and I've spoken about that here in my letter to my local MP.
Due to new laws that have come into force, currently two visitors are allowed into the care home to see mum. My dad obviously and my brother go to see her in a designated room, but still have to maintain a 2 meter distance and wear full PPE with masks.
I chose not to do the internal visits, due to having to wear the masks inside and so currently get to see her for 30 minutes a week in a pod, behind glass with prisoner type microphones. This works better in some ways as at least she is able to see my face, but even then there's not always a spark of recognition. Mums speech has deteriorated quite badly and she speaks so quietly anyway that I spend most of my 30 minutes trying to lip read, but maybe I should be grateful rather than bitter for the 30 minutes a week I am allowed to see my own mother.
But I made the decision that I don't want to see mum inside until I can see her properly, without a mask and to be able to do the things for her that I promised I would always do when she no longer could. One of the things I promised was that I would always ensure all of the hairs that grew on her chin or upper lip would be plucked out and its a funny thing that seeing she now has a little beard is one of the things that really upsets me about not being able to be with her properly for the last year.
My beautiful mum would be absolutely devastated and horrified if she ever thought that from a 2 or 3 meter distance, behind a glass wall people would see hairs growing out of her chin. I told her this week that once I got in to see her properly I would be pinning her down and plucking every last stray hair off her face, she laughed merrily and said she would look forward to it. A lovely end to a lovely visit.
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| Me and Mum October 2016 |
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| February 2021 taken by the care home |
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